;)

nevver:

― Raymond Chandler, The Long Goodbye

6 hours ago 882 notes

nevver:

Never

3 days ago 1,194 notes

delete-andrepeat:

I Suffered, I Learned, I Changed.
(Source: ik6)

3 days ago 2,460 notes

(Source: fucking-sera, via playingtheclitar)

3 days ago 388 notes

Wow

Its been four months since my last post.

I feel kind of dumb writing it but at the same time I don’t regret it. I remember my emotions at the time and things that compelled me to write it.
Do I feel any better now? I guess so, I mean I haven’t had some life changing event nor have I had a complete turn around. I’m still suffering from depression but I haven’t given up.
Going through njrotc and boot camp And what not you hear people tell you that they want you to give your 100% even if you fail just give your 100%.
I have been living at about my 60% and it’s time for me to raise the bar.
So fuck my fucked up relationships, I don’t need them, fuck depression, fuck sleeping every minute I get there’s a world out there.

In September I’m going to kick this advancements exams butt during rimpac I will earn my ESWS but aim for having both pins. In Hawaii I’m swimming with the sharks and I’m going to fucking party because it’s fucking Hawaii!

3 days ago 1 note

Anonymous asked: I wish I could say I hate you a-lleycat. THE SHIT YOU CONSTANTLY PULL AND THE SORRY ASS EXCUSES YOU MAKE are infuriating. But i'm not that kind of guy, but I almost wish I was.
I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.
I wish I could tell you I’ll change but I can’t promise something im not sure of

4 months ago 1 note

Last night

I tried to commit suicide.

You see I’ve been on a path of self destructive behavior. I drove away the guy I fell in love with by acting fucking insane and in my attempts to get him back I have only proven to him that I am crazier then he thought. He threatened a restraining order on me for gods sake! That’s fucking insane!!!

I “control” my drinking only because I have work but the past few times I have been drinking I put myself in danger and lets not lie being drunk is not a excuse for being stupid, everyone is fully aware of what they are doing. (Not that I am saying it’s the fault of victims who have been taken of advantage of by others, it’s the others who claim they were drunk and didn’t know that taking away a persons right to say no who are wrong)

I have fallen to envy,lust, and sloth.

I have attempted to take another womens man away (not in the way that I wanted to break them up but in the way that I still sucked his dick and want to have sex with him, just because it makes me feel attractive at the time)

I’ve turned my back on God and curse Him for turning His back on His people. There are so many people on their knees crying out to Him, and He remains silent. Why?

Why would he allow us to suffer, I can’t swallow all that it’s part of His plan, He works in mysterious ways crap anymore. How can He stand by and watch all the suffering?

More selfishly Why would I be thrown in to hell and suffer for eternity for commiting suicide when he allowed me to get to this state. When I have cried for his help and He answered with silence? How am I expected to trust someone and put faith in Him when he has never shown himself? He doesn’t seem to believe in me, so how am I expected to believe in Him.

And so with my own morals betrayed, my body used,my mind worn out, my heart beaten and my faith crushed. I am left with no hope. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, no dawn, there are no miracles to hold my breath for. Just self loathing and suffering through each day.

I’m selfish I know, I know there a lot more people in the world who are fighting to stay alive and they struggle worse then I do every minute of their lives, I’m selfish,and I’m a coward, I tried to find the easy way out. I though I could swallow a bunch of pills and wash them away with alcohol that I would just fall asleep and never have to wake up again.

Obviously that is not what happened, I unfortunately did wake up drenched in sweat, feeling sicks to my stomach, my ears are ringing and I have a horrible head ache. I am just drifting between an emotional state and a sort of numbness. More so, I am disappointed that I am a coward.

Will I try to commit suicide again? As of right now no. As much as I want the embrace of death I fear it at the same time. Some reason the unknown scares me more if I’m dead then alive, only because you can’t really go back from death,you can changed life if you have the means but you can never change death.

So no I will not try it again. Instead I will see where life takes me, maybe I will find happiness and finally be satisfied with what God gave me.

Or maybe I will sink lower down into the scum of the earth.